Longing for the Good Old Days of Sea Duty on The Fighting Lady?

30 things you can do right now!

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

3. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

9. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

10. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

11. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

12. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

14. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.  Write a detailed report on each, send 28 copies to various agencies in Washington DC, file the reports and never read them.

15. Use eighteen scoops of the cheapest coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

16. Invite 75 people to come over to your house and visit for a couple of months.  Make sure that they snore like stalled wood chippers.

17. Install a flickering fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

20. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."  

21. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say .. again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

22.  Every six months or so, dress up in your best suit on the roof of your house (the equivalent of the Yorktown flight deck), stand at attention in the sun for a couple of hours and have your wife walk by, look you up and down for a second with a sneer on her face.

23.  Get a white suit.  Get back on your roof.  Lay on the roof in your white suit in a spread eagle position with your arms fully extended upward.  Have a friend photograph you from an airplane making the letter "Y" for Yorktown on top of your roof.

24.  Every six months have your wife write a report about you, how well you are cutting the lawn, your husband duties in the bedroom, how clean you keep your clothes, your attitude, etc.  Put them into a file on top of all the other six month reports and never look at those reports either.

25.  Quit your job. (even if the old place is understaffed and the new place has twice as many people as they need)   Move yourself to a completely different part of the country; family will follow later, maybe.  Do that again every year.

26.  Give yourself a medal for just breathing and going to work each day.  Wear on your best suit to impress your friends.  Can't call it a National Defense Medal or Geedunk Medal so call it the K Mart Medal.

27.  Take your hot cup of budget coffee, go to your swimming pool, stand up in small child sized raft in the pool and drink your coffee while never spilling a drop.  Act casual to impress your kids and wife that you are an 'old salt.'

28.  Fix yourself a big cup of warm water, into which you've stirred one teaspoon of diesel oil, one teaspoon of salt and a little food coloring.  Tell everyone that you are drinking "bug juice."  Make sure the cup is blazing hot straight from your dish washer.  Drink quickly while on the run.  If that doesn't suit your taste, drink luke warm condensed milk diluted and mixed with oily salt water.

29.  End each argument with your wife and coworkers by stating "...and get a haircut."

30.  Threaten her several times with it and then actually do it! Put your wife "on report" for insubordination!

The US Navy has always had a ship called Yorktown and thus has had scores of Captains for the Yorktown.  One famous Yorktown Captain, long ago, was a Yorktown Captain named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

 Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph.


 One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.

 As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes  upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned  and  calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

contributed by Capt. Dale Potts USNR (Ret.)

 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Yorktown Ensign was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Ensign quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter,  then said into the phone, Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, " What do you want?!?!"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
 

 



Q: How do you know if there is a Yorktown fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and the Yorktown's fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a Yorktown fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
 

 


Three Marines from the Yorktown Detachment were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Yorktown Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

 



Yorktown's Chief Boatswain Mate Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for
some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a Subic Bay whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a Subic Bay whorehouse smells like."

 


"Well," snarled the tough old Yorktown Chief Master at Arms to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
 

 

One day, a captain, a lieutenant jg and a Second Class Petty Officer were out hiking
when they suddenly and unexpectedly came upon a very large and violent river
 which they needed to cross.

The Second Class PO called out to God, "Please God, give me the strength
 to cross this river."  Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, he almost drowned.

Seeing this, the lieutenant jg prayed silently to God, saying, "Please God,  give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."  Poof! God gave him a rowboat and with this he was able to row across the  river in about an hour, but it was rough, and more than once he
 almost capsized the boat.

 The captain had stood off to the side all this while, observing how things
 worked out for the other two, so when his turn came, he raised both clasped  hands, looked skyward and said, "Please God, Lord Almighty, give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this bloody river and do  it  NOW!."

 



 And sure 'nuff, poof! God turned him into a Chief whereupon he pulled a map
 from his map case, studied it intently, hiked upstream a couple of
 hundred yards, and then walked briskly across the bridge.
 

 

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